Mixed Motivations

I want to be 100% clear that I am speaking from my own opinions and experiences. I have not pulled or cited facts to back up my opinions . I understand I may have different ideas than others that is why I am not speaking for or on behalf of anyone other than myself. Enjoy.

When something big happens in life the event often causes strong emotional reactions, whether in the best way or the worst way. With these emotions follows your motivation, or lack-there-of. I have had many big things happen in my life to this point that I have been exploring. Here is a list with their coinciding emotions.

  • My birthday – Happy
  • My parents divorce – Sad/Mad
  • My Great Grandma’s death – Sad/Confused
  • My Dad & Stepmom’s Wedding – Happy
  • My Grandpa’s death – Really Sad/Mad
  • My High School Graduation – Happy/Sad
  • Getting rejected from my college program of choice – Sad/Mad/Stupid
  • Getting an alternate offer to my college of choice – Happy/Confused
  • Graduating my first college program – Happy
  • Getting accepted to my initial program of choice – Very Happy
  • Meeting Jordan – Happy
  • Learning my stepmom was diagnosed with breast cancer – Really Sad/Mad
  • Landing an awesome internship – Happy
  • Finding out the internship wouldn’t turn into a job – Sad/Frustrated
  • Watching my stepmom kick cancer’s butt ass – Happy/Inspired
  • Celebrating anniversaries with Jordan – Really Happy
  • Graduating my second college program – Happy/Confused
  • Moving back to Belleville – Relieved/Uneasy
  • Moving into our own apartment in Belleville – Happy/Confused

This is solely a list of things that I could come up with while writing. These are some of the most important things to happen to me throughout my life.

As you can see, the emotions are all over the place, but with these emotions comes even more mixed motivations. Here is a table of the same moments, and emotions with motivation levels attached.

MomentEmotionMotivation (Up/Down
My BirthdaysHappyUp
My Parents DivorceSad/MadDown
My Great Grandma’s DeathSad/ConfusedDown
My Dad & Stepmom’s WeddingHappy Up
My Grandpa’s DeathReally Sad/MadUp
My High School GraduationHappy/SadUp
Getting rejected from my college program of choiceSad/Mad/StupidDown
Getting an alternate offer to my college of choiceHappy/ConfusedUp
Graduating my first college programHappyUp
Getting accepted to my initial program of choiceVery HappyUp
Meeting JordanHappyUp
Learning my stepmom was diagnosed with breast cancerReally Sad/MadDown
Landing an awesome internshipHappy Up
Learning my internship wouldn’t last past April 2019Sad/FrustratedDown
Watching my stepmom kick cancer’s assHappy/InspiredUp
Graduating my second college programHappy/ConfusedDown
Celebrating anniversaries with JordanReally HappyUp
Moving back to BellevilleRelieved/UneasyDown
Moving into our own apartment in BellevilleHappy/ConfusedDown

To go along with my mixed emotions I have added a lot of mixed motivations. I find that a lot of things that affect us negatively can also cause a surge of positive energy, especially in creative people like me. On the other hand things that are supposed to be achievements to be celebrated can cause me to go through a spiral when thinking about “What’s Next?” I did it after graduating the second time and I’m doing it now.

I never did think I was one for plans but I hate being late and I love to have a schedule. I thought I could go with the flow but really the flow’s been gone for awhile now. I have true anxiety about not succeeding well enough to support myself let alone if I decide to have any kids or own a house in the future.

I have been afraid of failure my whole life and more specifically not being good enough.

An Afterword

I wrote this on a day of high stress and anxiety. That being said I do believe motivations can be caused by emotional reactions to important life events.

However, I’m not afraid that I will fail. Because I know that if I try my hardest I will succeed to the best of my abilities.

Now I leave you here with a quote from my man Frank D.

The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.

Franklin D. Roosevelt

Regardless of the context in which he was referring to fear, I think it is a fair assessment. Fear makes you scared, so don’t let it.

Somewhat unrelated to the blog itself, I have decided to put my best foot forward and attempt to create content and share it with everyone! I am hoping to post a string of short videos in the new year so I can keep my film chops somewhat up to date! So I will keep updating when I post!

Also I hope nobody is upset with my lack of finance in my latest blogs. I have been in the process of moving and with Christmas around the corner it is a busy time of year. Counting receipts has not been my priority. Hope you still enjoy reading my blogs!